My name is Simone Swenson, and I am a Registered Psychologist in Calgary, Alberta. In my work with couples, I draw on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method to support partners in moving through conflict, breaking out of negative cycles, and creating deeper, more secure bonds. Grounded in attachment theory and the pioneering work of Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT—alongside Gottman’s research-based approach—provides a powerful framework for helping couples heal, grow, and reconnect.
The Power of Attachment in Relationships
Attachment theory reminds us that from infancy to adulthood, our deepest need is for secure emotional connection. When couples feel safe, understood, and emotionally accessible to each other, their relationship thrives. But when this connection feels threatened, through conflict, disconnection, or misunderstanding, distress emerges. EFT helps couples identify these attachment needs and respond in ways that foster security and trust.
As Johnson (2008) notes, “Love is not the icing on the cake of life—it is a basic, primary need.”
Understanding Negative Cycles
One of the most common struggles couples face is becoming trapped in negative cycles. These patterns aren’t the problem themselves—they are signals of unmet needs and fears.
Typical cycles may look like:
Pursue–Withdraw: One partner demands closeness, while the other pulls away to avoid conflict.
Attack–Defend: Both partners escalate with criticism, defensiveness, or blame.
Freeze–Flee: Both partners shut down emotionally, leading to silence and distance.
Couples often mistake the cycle as the partner being “the problem,” but EFT reframes the cycle as the enemy they fight together.
The Therapist’s Role in EFT
An EFT therapist is like a guide who helps couples slow down, notice their cycle, and explore the vulnerable feelings hidden beneath defensive reactions. The therapist:
Identifies the cycle: Naming the pattern helps partners externalize it instead of blaming each other.
Accesses primary emotions: Beneath anger or withdrawal are softer feelings—fear of rejection, longing for closeness, or shame.
Facilitates new interactions: The therapist supports partners in expressing these deeper needs and fears, allowing them to reach for each other with vulnerability instead of protection.
Builds secure bonds: Through repeated safe emotional exchanges, partners learn they can trust and depend on each other.
As Sue Johnson (2019) explains in Attachment Theory in Practice, “Secure attachment is the antidote to relationship distress, offering the foundation for growth and resilience.”
A Glimpse of the Process
Imagine a couple locked in a pursue–withdraw cycle. One partner criticizes, feeling ignored and desperate for reassurance. The other shuts down, overwhelmed by the criticism and fearful of failing again. In EFT, the therapist will:
Slow the moment down: “When you raise your voice, what happens inside for you?”
Highlight the deeper meaning: “It sounds like when you don’t get a response, you feel invisible, and that hurts deeply.”
Reframe the cycle: “So when you pursue, it’s not to push away—it’s really about wanting closeness.”
Encourage new moves: The withdrawn partner learns to risk saying, “I pull back because I’m scared I’ll never be enough for you.”
These new exchanges build safety and begin to shift the cycle from conflict and disconnection to understanding and connection.
Why EFT and Gottman Work Together
While EFT focuses on healing emotional bonds and attachment needs, the Gottman Method provides practical tools for communication, conflict management, and building friendship. Together, these approaches help couples not only repair their relationship but also strengthen it with skills and emotional safety.
Research consistently shows EFT is one of the most effective forms of couples therapy, with outcomes often sustained over time. The success lies in its focus not on solving surface problems but on healing the emotional bond that underlies them. When couples feel securely attached, they can face life’s challenges together.
Conclusion
EFT helps couples see their negative cycles for what they are—misguided attempts to get attachment needs met. By slowing down, uncovering vulnerability, and creating safe emotional connection, couples can replace old patterns with new ways of relating that bring closeness, safety, and resilience. With the combined power of EFT and the Gottman Method, couples can build secure, lasting love.
As Sue Johnson reminds us: “Love has an immense power to heal. When we can connect to our loved ones, we survive and thrive.”
References
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
✍️ Written by Simone Swenson, Registered Psychologist | Calgary, Alberta Founder of Healing Journey Collective – Supporting Individuals, Couples & Families