Hi! My name is Simone Swenson and I am a Registered Psychologist in Calgary Alberta and a Level Three Gottman trained therapist.
When it comes to understanding relationships, attachment theory is one of the most widely used frameworks. Yet, when people talk about consensual non-monogamy (CNM), a common misconception is that those who engage in multiple relationships must have an insecure or disorganized attachment style. This assumption oversimplifies human connection and overlooks the complexity of secure attachment. Let’s unpack this together.
The Four Attachment Styles
Attachment theory identifies four primary patterns of relating, developed early in life and often carried into adulthood:
Secure Attachment – People feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They can balance closeness with independence and generally trust in relationships (Bowlby, 1988).
Anxious Attachment – People fear abandonment, crave closeness, and may feel insecure without constant reassurance (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
Avoidant Attachment – People value independence to the extent that they may minimize emotional closeness and struggle with vulnerability (Main et al., 1985).
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment – People experience a push-pull dynamic: they may desire closeness but also fear it, often due to unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving experiences (Main & Solomon, 1990).
Attachment as an Evolutionary Need
John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, believed that attachment is not simply about emotions, but about survival. From an evolutionary perspective, infants who stayed close to their caregivers had a greater chance of protection from danger, increasing the likelihood of survival (Bowlby, 1988). This survival instinct developed into an attachment system that motivates us to seek closeness, comfort, and safety with trusted others.
As adults, this same system shapes how we bond with partners and build relationships. Feeling securely attached doesn’t mean being dependent in a negative sense. It means we are able to turn to others for comfort and regulation when needed, while also feeling confident to explore the world independently.
Understanding attachment as part of our evolutionary design helps us see that wanting connection, whether with one partner or more than one, is a deeply human need.
Attachment Styles Can Evolve
It’s important to remember that attachment styles are not set in stone. They can shift over time depending on life experiences, supportive relationships, and therapeutic work.
Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, in their book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love (2010), emphasize that:
“Our attachment system is flexible. With the right awareness and experiences, people can move toward secure attachment.”
This means that while your early attachment patterns may shape how you show up in relationships, therapy and intentional relational work can foster greater security and healthier dynamics.
Secure Attachment and Consensual Non-Monogamy
Here’s where the myth needs to be challenged: being interested in consensual non-monogamy does not automatically mean someone is insecurely attached.
Jessica Fern, in her book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy (2020), highlights that secure attachment can absolutely coexist with the desire for multiple relationships. She notes that:
“Securely attached people may still choose non-monogamy, not because they fear intimacy, but because they value intimacy with more than one person.”
This perspective is critical. Wanting multiple relationships does not inherently reflect disorganization, avoidance, or anxiety. Instead, many people who are securely attached find that CNM aligns with their values, capacity for emotional regulation, and belief that love is not a finite resource.
Shifting the Narrative
Pathologizing CNM through an attachment lens limits our ability to see the diversity of healthy relationships. Securely attached individuals may thrive in monogamous partnerships, polyamorous constellations, or other consensual arrangements. What matters most is whether relationships are rooted in trust, communication, and respect; not the number of partners.
Final Thoughts
If you’re curious about your own attachment style or how it may play a role in the way you form and sustain relationships Healing Journey Collective is here to support you. Our therapists can help you explore your relational patterns, deepen self-awareness, and create pathways toward the kind of connection you desire.
Book a 15 min complimentary consultation with us today to start your journey of understanding and growth.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
American Psychological Association, Division 44. (n.d.). Consensual non-monogamy fact sheet. APA. https://www.apadivisions.org/division-44/resources/consensual-non-monogamy.pdf
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thornapple Press.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York, NY: TarcherPerigee.
Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood, and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1–2), 66–104.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention (pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.